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Set Free

My boyfriend and I married when I was 18 years old. We each received Jesus Christ within a year of our marriage. Even though we "thought" we had confessed our sins from the abortions, it is evident now, twenty years later, that we had never dealt with the guilt nor forgiven each other. We had three children in our marriage, and I was pregnant with our last child when my husband abandoned us. We divorced two years later.

During our marriage I had experienced bouts of severe depression, dwelling on suicidal thoughts but not putting them into action. I also experienced episodes of agoraphobia in public or unfamiliar places. I sought counseling and the counselor confirmed that I was dealing with a lot of anger. I never shared my abortion experiences with her for I did not take them into consideration.

Although many women express their struggles with the depression and guilt after abortion, I dealt also with rage and anger. I felt a lot of betrayal by family members following my first abortion, and also felt betrayed by my first husband. My mother was not able to forgive herself or me for her role in the first abortion. I viewed my stepfather and father as not "rescuing" me when I was in crisis. I was mistreated and ostracized from my family for more than ten years due to the guilt and sin involved. Now, twenty years later, there is still healing that needs to be done between my mother and myself. I am willing, but the Lord has not yet brought her to a place of readiness. This will be the next chapter of healing for me, and a first step in healing for her.

In the early years of my second (present) marriage, my rage and anger intensified. I was finally in a safe place, in an emotional sense, and things began coming out of me for the first time.

What led to my healing through a local Post Abortion Bible study group was a series of events where the Lord caused me to face my abortion pain. First, I moved next door to my mother in hopes of establishing a relationship with her. We thought we were ready. Living next door and having to face each other brought back a lot of the unresolved guilt and memories.

Second, my cousin who was a drug adict gave birth to a baby boy who needed a home. He was taken into state custody when he was born with cocaine in his system. I wanted to adopt him, but my husband did not consent. My mother adopted the baby. I recognized that my sin from the abortions had not been dealt with, I was jealous that my mother accepted this baby when my own had been killed. I was surprised to discover that I viewed her as the murderer of my first child. I had a very hard time facing these emotions. My mother had her own conflicting emotions. She moved away without telling us where she was going. We haven't heard from her in almost a year now.

Shortly after my mother moved away, a friend shared with me that I might be suffering from post abortion syndrome. She was involved in a pro-life ministry. I began doing the research and found that I had indeed experienced almost every post abortion syndrome.

I went through the Post Abortion Bible study this past summer. It was an emotionally grueling time, but my change has been remarkable. I quite literally feel as though I have been let out of jail, a type of spiritual bondage. I'm learning to live. It is almost like learning to walk again. I am planning to continue with more counseling. I am excited by the changes and wanting to cover more territory. I can speak about so many things in regard to the past 20 years and how it has all related to my abortion experiences. I am currently in the rebuilding process, much like the children of Israel in the book of Nehemiah.

Through this entire journey toward healing, I can see clearly where the Lord was guiding me. I can see the turing points and direction signs along the way. It was necessary for healing to be a process because of how far down I had gone. Jesus was so good about being gentle with me, giving me only what I was ready to handle at each place along the way.

I see where my guilt caused me to punish myself. I often did things to sabotage my life. I fully expected God to send a giant thumb out of heaven to squash me. When He didn't, I tried to do it for Him. A lot of pain and loss have come as a result of my guilt and unforgiveness and out of my reluctance to bring my sin to God for cleansing and healing.

My favorite song by Bruce Carroll is called "Memory of the Chains." These are the words that stand out to me now: Freedom just wouldn't feel so free, Hope wouldn't hold any hope for me, Grace would not so amazing be, Without the memory of the chains." That is how I feel now. I am free of the chains of sin from abortion. The memory of those chains will always be with me. I hope to use them for God's greater glory.

It is amazing to find myself as a homeschooling mother and devoted wife enjoying God's many blessings in a stable, loving familiy. I give much of my time to encouraging young mothers in their choices to stay home with their children. I encourage them to grow closer in their relationship with the Lord Jesus. Only God could have created these changes in my heart and in my life. It is so different from the circumstances of my life at the time of my abortions, so incredibly and marvelously different.

Shortly after attending the post abortion Bible study, I shared my abortion testimony with my oldest son, who was 16. As eah of my children matures, they will be told. My son cried with me and we mourned together. It helped him to understand the "why's" of things that have happened in our family, and it brought closure for him in many ways. It was the hardest thing I have done. It was also the most wonderful thing, for it drew my son and me closer together. He will help me share the story with my other children at the right time.

Each of my children has received the Lord Jesus. I know according to God's Word that my first three children (and one miscarriage years later) are in heaven. Their deaths made me recognize my need for Jesus. It is because of my aborted children that I would like to use my voice so that their brief lives would have greater meaning, that in the redemption of their deaths the Lord Jesus would be glorified.

--A Friend of Assist