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Where Your Treasure Is

One sexual encounter was all it took for me to become pregnant. I began to panic, and worried that my life would be in danger if I had this baby: I feared childbirth tremendously.

Joe rejected me and his baby. My mother confirmed my fears, saying I would surely die in childbirth. That was all the encouragement I needed to seek an abortion. I graduated from high school several months later. Immediately upon graduation, I became consumed with the fear of death and dying.

After two years, I was still unmarried and found myself pregnant by Gene, but I miscarried. A year later, Gene and I married, but it didn't last long.

A few months after I began dating Tom, things went wrong with our relationship and he began sleeping with other women. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was pregnant with his child, so I paid for the abortion. After two abortions and a miscarriage, I felt so much hurt and disappointment in my life, I just had to get away, so I decided to join the Army. As I rode the bus to the Army reception station, I could not help but cry over all the disappointments and hurt in my life so far. I was so sad and lonely riding that bus; I wondered why didn't anyone in this world love me? Because I was so consumed with my own pain, it never dawned on me that much of it came as a direct result of treating my pregnancies as inconveniences instead of seeing the tiny human being waiting to be born.

In spite of the rigors of military life, I thought I had finally found meaning and purpose. In technical training school, I met Tim and soon I was pregnant again. Tim wanted me to get an abortion. He had plans for his life that did not include having a child. I agreed and went to a clinic to end the life of my fourth child. The next fifteen years were a living hell.

I got married for the second time and couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. My personality began to change. I gained an excessive amount of weight, was depressed, sick, angry, and tired all the time. I was referred to an infertility specialist who diagnosed endometriosis. Due to this and pelvic inflammatory disease, I ended up with a radical hysterectomy. Now I would never know the joy of childbirth.

My three abortions caused me to experience extreme guilt, thoughts of death and dying, low self-esteem (as if I needed it lowered), anger, resentment, thoughts of suicide, fear, inability to concentrate, and eating disorders. Submitting to abortion as a means of solving my immediate crises only served to make my problems worse.

My second marriage ended. One night as I was thinking of committing suicide, I kept thinking I should get a cup of tea. I liked coffee, so why did I have this overwhelming urge for tea? As I pulled the fancy paper tea box out of the cupboard, I read the philosophical statement on the box. It said, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -- Jesus Christ". This began my search for Jesus. I bought a Bible and began reading. A week later, I watched a Billy Graham crusade on television. I called the number listed on the screen and spoke to a counselor. She helped me ask Christ into my heart, assured me my sins were forgiven, and my life would be different.

Immediately, I felt loved by the Lord. All my life I had looked for love and security. A childhood with an alcoholic mother and an absent father had left me feeling no one could love me. At once, the Lord gave me a church where I found positive Christian relationships but my life was not totally free of problems.

From 1983 to 1988 I had several major surgeries, my father and grandfather died, I inherited and lost $35,000 (my accountant told me I should commit suicide), but through it all the Lord was teaching me and I was growing into a more mature Christian.

At a Christian bookstore I picked up a newspaper with an article about Assist CPC. I was suprised that a crisis pregnancy center had a post-abortion ministry. At Assist, it was wonderful to be able to bond with sisters in Christ and take a painful look back at my abortion experiences. It was healing to know that Jesus forgives and that God has a plan and a purpose for my life. I have been able to forgive others for the pain of the past and to recognize that abortion is a terrible form of self-abuse.

I can say with Jesus, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21.

--A Client of Assist

All names have been changed to protect confidentiality.