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At twenty years old, I thought I had all the answers. I was on my own and going to school while working full-time. I had begun casually having a few drinks after work with my friends. I was dealing with a failed relationship by trying to run from my grief.

That year I got pregnant, after thinking I could never be the one to get pregnant. I had been sexually active for four years, since I was sixteen. When I went to the father with the news, he was adamant that abortion was the only answer. I just cried and cried. I didn't go to my mom, since I was a "big girl" now. I felt I should deal with this myself. It is crazy, but I don't even remember thinking I could raise a child on my own without the father of the baby. Selfish-ness or lack of guts led me to abort. It was so sad.

The abortion was traumatic. The clinic was so nonchalant about it all. You had to pay in cash and be there bright and early Saturday morning. My boyfriend dropped me off. Six girls were counselled together about birth control and given a clinical description of the abortion procedure. We were each given a pain killer, a hospital gown and told to wait in a back room. Not much was said between us There was a sense of fear and impending doom in the air. Our names were called out one by one. We could hear the machine and the girls crying.

Something died in me that day physically and spiritually. I mourned that day and didn't even know why. I knew what was in me would become a baby if I had not aborted, but I didn't understand the reality that it was a baby already. Yet, I knew in my heart I had done something wrong.

Within six months I was pregnant again. I had never dealt with the first abortion and again felt there were no other options available for me. I had another abortion.

By this time I was "death-walking." I hated myself. To escape, I began drinking even more and got involved with cocaine. The relationship ended with the man who was the father of the two children. There was too great a barrier between us because of the abortions.

Finally, some good things began to happen in my life. My mom got on her knees before the Lord and prayed. She said, "Lord, I'm tired of the life I've been living . . . help me to help my girls." I can testify that God heard that prayer. She began to bombard me with tapes and the Bible whenever I visited her. She bought me a Bible. I had one when I was little, but hadn't looked at it in years.

Mom finally found out about the abortions and told me I needed to ask for forgiveness. I found that forgiveness through Jesus, the Christ.

"There was a time when I wouldn't admit what a sinner I was. But my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration. . . I finally admitted all my sins to you . . . and you forgave me! All my guilt is gone." Psalm 32:3-5 (The Living Bible)